For one reason or another, Magpie hasn't been a great nurser the last few days, and I'm wondering if she's trying to say bye bye to the boobies.
I've always been a part-time nurser, with both girls. In the beginnings, I try for their milk to be 100 percent mama, but after a week or two of screaming, hungry babies, I cave and there I am shaking up a bottle of formula to top them off. J jokes that I produce diet breast milk since it only fulfills them for about half an hour.
But It's a slippery slope from there, and I go from 80 percent breast milk to 60 to 40 to where I am now, eight months later with Magpie, where she's just nursing at night and in the morning.
I'm sure my supply has tapered off to a pretty dismal amount, and Miss Mags seemed angry at the breast this weekend. Pulling off. Looking around as if to say, Now where did I misplace that darn bottle, that easy-flowing liquid of joy?
So throughout today I wondered if this was going to be the end of it. I thought it would be. But I can't. Why? I don't know.
It's not the guilt. I'm used to the dirty looks I get from women when I pull out the formula can in public.
I think it's more biological than that. Knowing that this is absolutely the healthiest thing I can give her, even if I'm just giving her a bit. And, I'm not a natural at this part of motherhood, but an inexplicable sense of purpose washes over you when you look down and see your child's face go soft, eyes closed, jaw gently tugging as she drinks.
(As a side note, I read a really horrible book this spring called "The Senator's Wife," by Sue Miller. In a key scene, the author sexualizes breast feeding. The only conclusion I came to was that Sue Miller must never have breast fed her kids, because nothing makes you feel less sexy than nursing. It was ridiculous.)
So tonight after I nursed Magpie--then topped her off with a bottle--I rummaged through the cupboard for my jar of fenugreek, an herbal supplement that improves my milk flow and makes my armpits smell like maple syrup. I chased a few down with about a gallon of water and plan to pull out the pump a little later.
Magpie might think she is, but I'm just not ready yet.
Mimi, I was sooo sad when I quit BF. I did it pretty much 100% for the first six months and then tapered down and stopped at seven months when I went back to work. I was SO surprised at how emotionally charged it was for me...the sleepy eyes and snuggly baby part can't be beat. (And WTF with Sue Miller? Eew.)
Posted by: nis | June 23, 2008 at 11:38 PM
I know, Nis. I get all teary when I think about it.
Isn't that silly (re: the book)? Next time you're in a book store, pick it up and skip to the end. It's worth a good laugh.
Posted by: Megan | June 23, 2008 at 11:49 PM
Absolutely. I feel this one so deeply. It's so easy to slip into giving bottles frequently. Especially with the second because the first one is running around everywhere and there's hardly time to sit quietly and nurse.
I nursed my first son to a year full time - no formula for him, just pumped breast milk. Not because I'm against formula, it was just so easy for us and so satisfying to do. This second little boy, I realized yesterday, is weaned at 11 months and I don't even know how or when it happened. I want to cry, not because I want to nurse any more, but just because it's over already and everything (EVERYTHING!) just goes so fast.
Posted by: anymommy | June 24, 2008 at 11:03 PM
Maybe that's what's hard, Anymommy, the going so quickly thing. I know this is typical for second (or third or whatever) kids, but our time with her has flown by compared with Bo's first year. We're pretty sure she's our last baby (OK, J is sure. I'm not so sure. So between us, we're "pretty sure"). So every milestone will be sentimental, I'm sure.
Posted by: Megan | June 25, 2008 at 01:48 AM